pre par ado
hi. I built this movement sequence out of feels about a traumatic time I suffered through. a a lot of people that were important to me (and people around me) died, in not a lot of time.
none of us were ready.
death, like the often corrosive agent it is, melted a lot of stuff down. bad things happened. wrongs got exposed. words were yelled. relationships got trashed. people changed. many got hurt. illness loomed. hatred bloomed. my barely-pubertal life felt confused, chaotic, miserable, and interminably long. there wasn't much time for school, community, or how I was personally dealing with things; I didn't really care about that anyways.
ready is what I wasn't.
no, i didn't die. wished I could, at some points, for seeming lack of a better way out. I was on the "someone's gotta still get stuff taken care of" team. crisis, drama, and conflict management became a daily chore. pain, justified coping mechanisms, and darkened humor was a welcome norm. I wore my new maturity like an elegant black cloak, impervious in my steely guise, as I casually scanned the horizons for new threats.
I was always ready.
I didn't have anyone to talk about it with till years later. didn't realize it was over till years later. didn't cry about it until years later. didn't know quite what happened till years later. didn't treat it like the trauma it was until years later. didn't dance specifically about it till years later. till now. when I was invited to, seemingly insignificantly. out of the blue.
can't say I felt quite ready.
as often happens, I don't quite know what the meaningfulness of a deeper piece is until I've...done it. the seeming emptiness of such moving can be...odd. no less was it here. "should my brain be this mute?" I wondered while dancing. "shouldn't i emote more?" I internally asked as I wobbled around the mushy, late-spring grass.
but, at least, I was ready.
now, I look at it, and it's what I wanted to say, sans words. where I am, with the silvery soul scars running down my soul; cleansed of venom, acknowledged honestly, treated with love by one Physician. the only one who has truly cured the ache in my heart.
I am affected by my experiences more than I perhaps will ever know - and the past will continue, in some way, to still roll into my present. I will face much greater griefs. I know it already. I shan't ever be perfectly prepared -
but
I
will
be
ready.
be
ready.
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