at least we made it 🌠this🌠far

 🎶 *cue that one Relient K song* 🎶 

good day fair fellows,,

hoping that you are surviving/thriving thru your week as best u can!! as I am!!! 😬

ngl, I'm kinda barely hanging in there - some combo of longstanding fatigue finally coming home to roost, lack of a break (yet), lots of things To Be Done, mental health dips, and some weird as heck weather. There's probably other factors too (biological, metaphysical, and more), but I have a bit longer before I can have a chance to step back, get some help, and take a sec to fully inhabit Being Not Quite Okay. 😐

- Finding silver linings on my mushroom cloud of burnout isn't exactly my hobby right now, but I will say that life isn't fully wearisome. There is still a lot of good stuff I'm clinging onto; here's 10 items out of that.

• God's word, whispers, and worship - sometimes I'm fully engaged, sometimes I feel like I'm just sat around it like a dumpy lil toad, but He's the main one/reason I'm still going. Finding respite in Him means a lot right now, even if I fight Him sometimes. A lot of times. More than I'd like to admit. A lot of it is audio, but even if I'm at least just around it (or tryna change the atmosphere a little), it helps.

😭

• Meditational stuff - As previously indicated, I often don't have the energy to do much beyond cocking an ear or reading a bit these days. Mindset is an app I like to use as of late - it feels doable and engaging at the same time; basically (1) an emoji + optional descriptions of how I'm feeling, (2) a quote of the day, (3) an audio mental health soundbite, and (4) a spot to list some gratitudes (with helpful suggestions). There's also a forum that posts daily sort of "food for thought" questions one can reply to, if desired, as well as multiple series by musical artists (including kpop artists, but that's NOT why I do it I swear!!! although one of my faves has recently released content sooo). I also like to utilize the Pause app by James Eldridge - really great guided meditations for a Christian, and of varying lengths/depth.

Am I always engaged fully in it? no, ngl. but at least I'm trying ig ._.

• Food - weirdly enough, I think all of the work I put in (in past years) on my nutritional/body issues has decided to STRONGLY resurface. Even during finals - when I had definitely less than 2 hours of sleep at times - I wound up somehow making pretty consistent meals. Same thing this week. Quinoa salad, eggplant spaghetti parm, purple cabbage, steel-cut oatmeal and more have been tasting pretty good - again, even when I'm feeling in the pits, at least I'm consistent there. I consume more sweets than usual (with partial blame on the high cortisol levels), but I'm doing my best to take care of myself in this area at least. 

• Selectives (aka weeklong deep dives into specific vet med foci) -  while yes, waking up early to drive to them is kind of the worst right now, I've had an overall good time - and, unexpectedly, especially during my small animal selective this week. The staff in the teaching hospital have been so kind and inclusive of me, and the extra downtime has literally saved my tired (and sometimes on-the-edge-of-a-breakdown) self. I don't think I've ever had this much fun with small animal medicine. 🐈☺🐕

• Exercise - usually in the form of dance practice, performance, or basketball. Those endorphins are PRECIOUS right now to me, and it has often given a great break from the dumps I've been in. Makes me feel a bit better about myself too, which I sorely need.

😂

• (Specific) social media accounts - for PURELY personal reasons (and not at all anything else), I can't share how many instagram accounts I possess, but TRUST that they are all practically necessary! ! ! How else could I follow my friends, art, humor, kpop, animal, and exercise interests from one profile? *coughs*                                                                                                n e waysss, going through /~curating~ the various streams of content I get from each has also been really positive + given me a good giggle often (though I do need to change/decrease my consumption of it in the new year, I am not ignorant to the impact social media has on mental health after all).

hehehe

• Nature - listen, today when I pulled up to the vet school, the gloomy weeklong cloud cover was FINALLY blowing away from the horizon and revealing a glimmery sunrise behind it, and...y'all, I liketa cried. Symbolic/hope-giving for me, plus beautiful. I should have taken a picture of it (like a true introvert). again, it's the little things-

• My supporters - at the top of that list would probably be my counsellor, who got the revelatory cascade goin' concerning my ~alarming tendency to care for others but not for myself (or express my needs for others to care for) until I am a hollow miserable Thing wailing in a bedsheet~.*copies that description for later*  

<honestly I should just recite this before every counselling session I swear

          

  - jokes aside (and I got many), it really has been a start (to a long journey) to let + ask others to care for me. Turns out, I exist in a constant state of dependence upon God and *hesitates grudgingly* others, and I can only deny that for so long before I crash and burn. So to my family, my spiritual mentors, my metaphysical health professionals, my cat and beloved companion Cody, and select amigos who I finally racked up the courage to confess my struggledness to...thanks. Being loved is something I want to be better at, even if I've worn a pretty heavily one-way path to only *giving love out* - so I'm'a tryin' to. (and thanks for dealing with me in this interim as I learn that)

*one* of the things that has been the matter rip

*coughs uncomfortably* mOVING ON,,

• Friends - being around people really does help a decent amount of the time, though I still fight the overwhelming urge to ISOLATE at times (sometimes it's good, I need space to recover/process; other times it's kind of a bad idea when you're not doing so hot). People, for all their flaws, are really worth the time of day (and more); and my amigos who text, call, or see me in person may not know it, but they're helping keep me together in this season. 💖💖💖

• Loving/helping/giving to others - ok, YES, this has HISTORICALLY been a coping mechanism for me to the extent of ~escapism~. HEAR ME O U T THO! 😡  I,, am still a bit prone to using said mechanism vicariously and/or to get my mind off of myself - but, the latter isn't necessarily always bad. It really has, legitimately, brought me joy to bless or help others recently; I haven't had the wherewithal to give much, I feel like, but it also doesn't have to be something 🌟extravagant🌟 to make a difference for others - homemade baked goods, cards, little makeshift gifts, words of encouragement and hugs is all it takes sumtimes. Shifts my perspective and keeps me from getting too stuck in my own little world of frustrations. 

been told something similar to this and ahhH

- tbH, didn't anticipate writing this blog post at all. Glad I did. Feel better for doing so. Am I out of the woods yet? My honest feeling is "no not yet", but that in and of itself (I'm learning) is okay, too. I won't stay here forever, but I do have to feel what I'm feeling (and dealing with) to actually move through and beyond it. Wish me the best in doing so (and recovering + letting myself be cared for properly) over winter break. ✌

'Til next time - 

~🌹hew