funereal (i.e. can't spell "funeral" without "fun") thots

...Over the past few years, there's a lot I’ve learned about funerals--and what goes into their planning; primarily from experience as a kid *and* adult, and almost always as part of the effort to make them run smoothly.

*Obviously, there's a lot behind the prospects of burial, death, and the deeper things--but, if I wrote all of my thoughts on that, I doubt my post would have a definite end to it*

--Yes, it's sort of sad to me (in a lot of ways) to consider the many losses and deaths--specifically within the family--that I've faced over a surprisingly short span of time. The past 8 years, to be precise. It can mature or affect you in a lot of ways.

(after 6-7 of these...occurrences...you kind of get the hang of it)

But that's life. Families have histories, times come (or are premature)--there's a season for it all. And having those seasons, perhaps, all-in-a-row (or in larger amounts) happens to be my experience.

...not really, but sometimes you hafta be blunt with death, and the morbidity surrounding it, to cope.

And, to be honest, all of that experience--and the things that you go through with it--has had a significant hand in making me who I am. And that is not all bad.

(bear with me here)

After all of that, a lot of reflection, a fair bit of recollection, and a bit of grieving, these are 5 or so random, not-so-asked-for distilled points of advice concerning things pertaining to funerals, memorial services, end-of-life celebrations,...

...and whatever else you wanna call them.

#1: Somebody's gotta do it

...no, not referencing *dying*, we ALL gotta do that. Though, perhaps, equal emphasis on participation in funeral-work would be nice, too.

What I mean is--with all the craziness, pain, and chaos that generally surrounds the passing of someone, someone will need to be prepared to have some things together. What to do in the...postmortem interval; be stable, organize things, think out and/or run the plan for the funeral, guests, information, cooking, wills and last wishes, outfits, medical considerations...the list goeth on. To be fair, this isn't for everyone; I simply happened to be on the side (or part) of the family that undertook that. Still--someone. has. to do. it. You may have to dry off your tears, stow away your feelings for awhile (not too long though), and get cracking and carefully arranging things. If there's anything I've learned...it's that a lot goes into it. Don't underestimate. More importantly, find out if you are (or aren't) that party taking care of stuff. Those in the supportive, planning role are always in short supply.

(have your own act, thoughts, and stuff together decently as well, though)

#2: The involvement sometimes helps you deal with stuff

...perhaps a seemingly odd point, but a true one. Especially as a kid. While not exactly a distraction..."working it out" in a balanced way is actually somewhat of a lifesaver. And not just as a kid--but as an adult as well. Noting, however, that this is related to funeral-ish stuff, not just work in general. For goodness' sake, face the loss head-on--from personal experience else, any other way will come back to bite you.

#3: Always be prepared for ____.

--drama, strange moments, awkward silences, unexpected happenstances, and odd occurrences. Just...do. Because, like it or not, (a) they're going to happen, and (b) someone needs to be ready and prepared for them. Someone getting up during "sharing-time" and saying incredibly weird things? The last-minute application of lipstick a la corpse during the ceremony? A particularly grieved female eating the funeral flowers (gladiolas)? Gravediggers forgetting to show up? Flipping out and snippiness between the deceased's' baby-mamas?

--yep. It can happen, and though perhaps not to the extent I've just mentioned, it probably will. Death in general is uncomfy, and tends to inspire/surface unusual things --and makes us all more sensitive to snags or bumps in the process. Keep that in mind. ...And if there turns out to not be any significant drama? Enjoy being pleasantly surprised, and the undergoing of an easier ordeal than anticipated. That, or be prepared for some last-minute thinking, backup solutions, and a couple of interesting stories to remember (and occasionally tell) (to the right people).

#4: The food actually kinda needs to be on point.

En pointe. You get the idea. But, honestly, it really does. Obviously, it depends on the capabilities and context of the particular funeral--but there's a real sense of need for that post-funeral reception, and for the food to be at least *good*. Like the earlier point, it's a tangible thing that somehow makes the whole process easier. Well-made, abundant food really adds something to the whole affair, and provides a bit of breathing space at the end of it all. Actually, doing the same thing with floral arrangements, clothing schemes, and program outlines also has the same affect (and is something I'd suggest as well).

--I'd also suggest keeping the available alcohol to a minimum--drinking as a toast option, and something relaxed, is a lot better than the emotional wobbliness that can be exacerbated by the imbibing of much liquor (basically, avoid it becoming a riotous outlet).

#5: Give people room and balance

Some of this is just using your brain, common sense, feelings, and intuition--but in case it's not immediately obvious, people generally go through grief and loss in greatly varied manners and degrees. The spectrum requires careful consideration; giving some people room to deal with things, offering others a calm and caring arm and voice and sympathetic eye contact, balancing the process of grief with hopeful thoughts and sweet memories--all of these come with experience, perhaps, but seek balance. Don't be a jerk. (I mean, c'mon) Save disputes for later, sense where people are coming from in the process, and care.

****************************************************************

...Anyhow, perhaps such thoughts and points are a bit surprising and tragic--especially from this stage of life, or across this platform. But...well,

--you know? Life has a bit of that to it--and so especially does death. We face it sooner or later, and knowing how to deal (and what to remember) is a complex but vital thing to come to terms with. Coping is a different subject. Being...thought out, and considerate, and ready? You can at least get somewhere with that.

thoughts for the day, done. The downbeat is an essential part of us, just as the bright and cheery--and through every single one of my cycles through the funeral process, I've found that there's an undeniable hope and pale, filtering comfort through and at the end of it all. 

Till later, 

~hw